


let me be the one you want

by minimitchell



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27028666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minimitchell/pseuds/minimitchell
Summary: He’s the best man after all, it would be very awkward if he had a real problem with the wedding happening in less than a week.A problem like being completely in love with one of the grooms for example.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 95





	let me be the one you want

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the last two gifs on [this post](https://minimitchell.tumblr.com/post/630625565256318976/siennablake-may-it-be-a-life-filled-with-honesty)  
> as always, thanks for reading.  
> please leave some kudos or a comment, if you liked it. <3
> 
> (tumblr: minimitchell)

It’s fine. 

Ben’s totally fine with the situation. 

Sure, he might’ve had a little breakdown after Callum had told him about his rather surprising engagement to his current boyfriend after only dating the guy for about a year and a half, but Ben is totally fine with that now. He’s the best man after all, it would be very awkward if he had a real problem with the wedding happening in less than a week. 

A problem like being completely in love with one of the grooms for example. 

Him and Callum have been friends, best mates really, for a couple of years now. Ever since Callum had shown up in Walford on the Carter’s doorstep after his dad had chucked him out for coming out as gay. They had fast become friends after meeting and Callum was welcomed into the fold with open arms; Lola and Whitney flocking to him like moths to a particularly well-lit flame. 

It was nothing short of beautiful to see Callum open up under all the support and love given to him, seeing him flourish into the person he was meant to be; deserved to be. Ben had been there through it all. He had taken him to his first gay bar, had sat with him whenever everything got too much for Callum, had let him cry into his shoulder and made him laugh until happy tears were streaming down his face. 

Ben can’t pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with Callum. It wasn’t like it is in those romance movies Whitney loves, where the lead looks at their best friend while they’re sitting in the pub laughing with their whole chest and the lead suddenly sees them in a different light. It wasn’t like that. Ben just realized one day that he wakes up and thinks of Callum first thing, that being with Callum is the best part of his week and that he just feels weightless when the two of them spend any time with each other. 

It’s another fact he had come to accept about himself. And with time it’s become another thing he knows for certain. He’s 25, he’s gay, he’s irrevocably and hopelessly in love with one of his best friends. 

His best friend, who sat him down four months ago after he had come back from a weekend vacation with his boyfriend to tell him that he was getting married now. And all Ben had been able to do was smile, congratulate him and try to hide the way his heart had been breaking underneath it all. He had even said yes to being his best man, because he obviously liked pain a little too much. 

He honestly thinks it’s karma having it out for him. Punishing him for pushing Callum away after that one night almost exactly two years ago. That one, stupid night where Ben hadn’t been strong enough to resist the press of Callum’s lips against his own and the hands ridding him of his clothes, even though it had _bad idea_ written all over it. 

Because Callum had just been dumped by some guy, who hadn’t even been worth his time, and only needed a rebound to distract himself. A rebound, Ben had gladly accepted to be but had regretted the moment he woke up with Callum’s arms around him the next morning. He knew then and there that being with Callum like this could never happen again, because he simply wouldn’t get over Callum calling it off once he met someone better. Someone, who wasn’t so weighed down by his past tragedies like Ben was. Someone, who could love him and cherish him like he deserved to be without the commitment issues and fear of abandonment that had made their home in Ben’s soul. 

So they had talked that morning and had agreed that it had been a one off and that their friendship was more important than anything physical that had happened between them. The decision had crushed Ben’s heart, had made him breathless and barely able to function for a while until he had been able to go back to the state he was in before – just quietly being in love with the guy sitting next to him at any occasion. 

It hadn’t been the best possible decision but it had worked for him; he had accepted that he’d probably never get over his feelings for Callum and that it was just another unfortunate circumstance that had happened to him in his life. That was until a couple of weeks after sleeping with each other, Callum had told him, face careful and somehow looking guilty, that he had met someone. 

The worst part is that he can’t even hate Simon. He’s a nice guy, he’s made the effort to get to know Callum’s friends and he treats Callum exactly like he’s meant to be treated by his boyfriend. He’s never given Ben any reason to dislike him, except for the small fact that he’s dating the man he’s so completely in love with. 

And now they’re getting married in less than five days. 

“Please just tell me there ain’t going to be strippers. Or silly costumes or party games where I have to talk to strangers.” 

“Cal, I’m not going to tell you anything about your stag do, that’s not how it works.” 

Callum lets out a defeated sigh from his place in the booth in front of him and takes a sip from his beer. Ben only wanted a quiet drink in the Vic tonight, but Callum had texted him five minutes after he had arrived, explaining that Simon was being held up at work and asking if he wanted company while Callum waited for him to come home. 

Ben had agreed because he honestly took every time with Callum alone, without Simon by his side, that he could get, even if it meant they were only going to talk about wedding stuff. 

“Look, Callum. I know you, don’t I. You really think I’m going to let you do any of these things when I know how uncomfortable you’d be?” 

The look Callum sends him at that is so warm and full of relief and gratitude that Ben has to look away before he does something stupid like beg Callum to call off the whole thing. He has made it this far without letting Callum clue on to the fact that he loves him and he’s certainly not going to tell him now. Callum deserves a nice guy, a beautiful wedding and an amazing stag do. 

And although Ben can’t give him two of those things, he’ll make damn sure that he gets the last one right. 

That’s how he finds himself in the Albert two nights later, in the middle of a large table filled with alcohol and the loud chatter of Callum’s closest friends. His mom had closed the bar for everyone but them, giving them sole access to everything they wanted to do there. He almost had to force her to take money for it all, after she had said that she loved Callum too much to not give him everything for free. It had been another gut punch Ben could’ve done without to know that his mum basically considered Callum family already. 

Only he wasn’t. He was going to be part of another family in a few days. Have his _own_ family. 

Ben tries not to think about it too hard tonight. 

It’s almost two o’clock when he notices that Callum has been missing from their table for a while now, too engrossed in a chaotic game of never have I ever with Jay, Whitney and Lola to have noticed it before. 

“Where’s the groom?” 

The other three don’t seem too concerned with the question, Lola just shrugging her shoulders when she doesn’t see him on the dance floor with the rest of their people. 

“Loo maybe?”, she guesses before shifting her attention back to the shots Whitney is pouring them both. 

“Or he snuck off to see the other groom. Bit of action for the night.”, Whitney supplies from her place next to him and Jay is laughing along until he catches himself, throwing a cautious look to Ben. He’s the only one who knows about his feelings for Callum and it’s only because he caught Ben trashing their office after Callum had told him about the engagement. 

Ben chooses to force out a laugh that hopefully only sounds fake to his own ears, ignoring Jay’s pitying looks like he’s done every other day since telling him under tears that he’s in love with his mate. 

He eventually finds Callum outside, a little off to the side, back against the brick wall of the building. It’s not that cold out even if it’s almost October, but Callum isn’t wearing a jacket and Ben would feel better if he was inside right now. He doesn’t want him to catch a cold just before his big day. 

“What you doing out here, stag?” 

Callum turns his head to look at his voice, giving him a small smile when he sees Ben stepping closer to him. Ben can’t help but return it, can never really help it, letting himself fall in place beside Callum. 

“Just needed some air.” 

He slings his arm around Ben’s waist, using the momentum to pull him fully into his side. Ben settles one hand on his chest - feeling Callum’s heart beat wildly in his chest, probably because of all the alcohol they have consumed tonight - the other coming to rest on the small of his back. 

They’ve always been affectionate with each other. The kind of friends who touch and hug all the time and sleeping with each other didn’t exactly change that. They were a little awkward around each other with it afterwards, until Callum had pulled Ben into his body on a night out and had danced with him, arms around his neck and bodies close. After that, things had gone back to their normal, tactile ways. 

It’s tearing and tugging at Ben’s heart though, every time Callum pulls him into a hug, presses a kiss to his head or squeezes his arm. Because he would give everything for these touches to be filled with more than just platonic love. Just once really. 

“You had a good night, then?” 

Ben looks up at him, letting his chin rest on the soft skin of Callum’s chest. Callum is staring out onto the street in front of them, though Ben isn’t really sure at what in particular because there aren’t any people around at this time of night. It gives him the opportunity to admire Callum’s features though; his long eyelashes casting shadows on his skin, the light blue of his eyes shining in the dim light of the building beside them. He’s so beautiful it almost breaks Ben’s heart every time he looks at him. 

“The best. Thank you, best man.” 

Callum goes to catch his gaze and the action brings their faces so, _so_ close together. Ben can feel Callum’s breath on every exhale and he’s resisting the urge to look down at his lips, holding his stare for a moment too long to be purely platonic. 

He doesn’t know which one of them moves first or if they move in perfect sync, but before Ben can register what’s happening, there are soft lips against his own. _Callum’s_ lips. He kisses back almost on instinct, his whole body tingling with the sensation he’s almost but never quite forgotten. 

Callum’s lips are gentle against his, but there’s an urgency behind his kisses that almost feels like desperation. Ben can taste the remnants of Callum’s fruity cocktail when he finally slips his tongue into his mouth and runs it against Ben’s. The action elicits a moan from the back of Ben’s throat, forcing its way out of his mouth and into Callum’s without any of his say. 

The sound must break whatever has come over Callum in the moment because he disconnects his lips so quickly that Ben falls forward into air for a second, his hands falling away from Callum’s body when he takes two steps back, creating a distance that feels so much larger between them. 

Callum’s looking at him wide-eyed, one hand coming up to rub at his lips like he’s still processing what he’s just done; that he basically just cheated on his fiancé with Ben, his best man. 

“Callum...” 

Ben wants to say something; wants to say that it’s okay, that he loves him and that he’s there for him if he wants to call the wedding off and run away with him. Because that’s exactly what he wants right now. And with the way he just kissed him, Callum must want at least some of that too. 

But Callum is only shaking his head, holding out his hands in front of him like a shield, like a physical barrier he’s creating between himself and Ben. 

“I should, um, I should head back inside. Get back to my stag do.” 

He takes a wide turn around Ben to get back to the entrance, leaving him standing out in the cold of the night, and it hurts more than Ben could’ve ever imagined. It feels like someone caved his chest open and squeezed his heart in their hands. 

When he eventually heads back inside and joins the rest of the party again, he’s trying hard to conceal the heartbreak and pain he’s feeling right now. Jay tries to catch his eyes a few times but Ben ignores him in favor of pouring himself another drink. He keeps joking and hollering with the other lads and girls, but he can’t help but notice that Callum avoids looking at him for the rest of the night. 

It’s alright though, Ben’s not sure his heart could take it if he would. 

Ben really thought wedding rehearsals are a thing Hollywood invented for plot reasons, but apparently someone up there really wants him to watch the man he’s in love with get married to someone else twice. 

They haven’t talked to each other since the stag do and Ben had to make up an excuse about getting caught up at work to explain why they hadn’t arrived at the rehearsal together today, like it had been planned originally. His nerves are frayed enough as it is, having to stand next to Callum at the altar right now and playing through the whole damn wedding, without the added reminder that they kissed each other two days ago. 

Callum has avoided looking at him all the way through the conversation with the registrar and taking their places, right until the first beginnings of Iron & Wine are coming through the speakers and Callum finally, _finally_ looks over at him. Maybe it’s wishful thinking on Ben’s part but he doesn’t look as happy as he should look at getting married – even if it’s just a rehearsal. 

Ben isn’t sure what his own face looks like right now; if the way he feels is being reflected in his eyes and if Callum can read him as easily as he used to. He can see Callum swallow once before averting his gaze again, looking at the ground for a second before schooling his features and painting on a smile when he looks at his husband to be drawing closer. 

He makes it through the whole rehearsal without breaking down or screaming, which Ben counts as a win for himself. It might be down to the fact they didn’t practice their vows, the registrar wanting to save this ‘special moment’ for the actual wedding tomorrow. Ben isn’t sure if he’d be able to sit through them today and still show up here tomorrow to go through that particular pain again. 

The rehearsal went off without a hitch, except maybe for the moment where Ben’s hand had brushed Callum’s while giving him the ring and they had both frozen, staring at each other until Simon had made a joke and Ben had taken his hand away as if he had been burned. 

It’s fine until Ben finds himself alone with Callum for some reason for the first time since the stag do, in the little backroom of the venue. Ben has no idea how they got here; if it was Callum who just wanted to check everything one last time and if so, why Ben hadn’t taken off home at the first possible moment, but now they’re here – eyes still avoiding looking at the other and back’s straight. 

It feels like the calm before the storm; the hurricane in Ben’s chest that appeared at the sight of Callum and Simon kissing after being declared as pre-married close to springing free and destroying everything around him. 

He can’t do it. He can’t keep it close to his chest, locked away, anymore. Because the way Callum had looked at him when the music started isn’t how you look at your best friend. And if there’s even an increment of possibility that Callum isn’t in this marriage with his whole heart, then Ben _has_ to take this chance. Even if it’s just to say his peace and leave them to a happy life, while he’s forever watching from the sideline. 

It’s why he’s locking the door to the room behind them before turning to Callum with a determined look on his face, just in case Simon and his best man haven’t already left like they said they would. 

“Ben, what-” 

“Don’t do this. Don’t get married, please. I love you, Callum. I have loved you for so long and there’s something telling me that you love me, too. I can’t just let you get married without telling you this anymore. I tried, I tried so hard but I _can’t_.” 

Callum isn’t saying anything back, but his face says more than enough for Ben to go on. There’s heartbreak written all over his face and he looks conflicted over what to do. It’s enough for Ben to keep going, to step closer to him and take one of his hands securely into his own, the other cradling the side of Callum’s face. 

“Let’s just run away together, yeah? We could be so happy. I want to make you happy, Callum. I _could_. Just come with me. Please.” 

There are tears gathering in Callum’s eyes now, as clear as the ocean blue of his irises, but they aren’t happy tears. Just seeing them fills Ben with the sinking feeling of dread; even before Callum opens his mouth to respond. 

“I’m so sorry, Ben. I can’t.” 

It’s like a bucket of ice has been dropped on top of him, only it’s setting his whole body on fire rather than leave him shivering. It makes tears spring into his own eyes, running down his cheeks before he has the power to stop them, the hand he had on Callum’s cheek falling to his side and the other letting go off Callum’s, even if he tries to hold on for a moment longer than Ben. 

He starts nodding his head, trying to keep his emotions in check but he can’t seem to stop the steady flow of tears coating his face. Callum looks like it’s breaking his heart to see him cry and he makes moves to reach out but Ben holds up a hand to stop him, because the last thing he can stomach right now is Callum trying to console him. 

“It’s okay. It’s okay, really. I’ll, um, I’ll see you bright and early in the morning for best man duties, yeah.” 

He’s frantically wiping his face, trying to free himself of the wetness clouding his vision and destroying any evidence of this conversation. He’s pretty sure his hands are shaking and he can’t tell if he’s angrier at himself for saying something after all or more heartbroken at being rejected like this. 

“Ben-” 

Turning away from Callum and unlocking the door to leave him in the backroom of his goddamn wedding venue is probably one of the hardest things Ben’s ever had to do but he _has_ to do it. He has to save at least some face now if he wants to stand here tomorrow and watch Callum get married after all and he can’t do that if he lets himself break down in front of Callum right now. 

Instead, he gets into his car and drives as far away as he can in the state he’s in, before he calls Jay to come pick him up. 

He doesn’t know how he’ll get through the day tomorrow. 

Ben’s sitting on the couch in joggers and his glasses – the contacts causing too much irritation with the amount of tears he’s shed today – when there’s a knock on the door to his flat. Ben sighs because it must be Jay coming back to check in on him, even though he had sent him home twenty minutes ago with the assurance that he’ll be fine tonight. This isn’t his first heartbreak and while he didn’t exactly have to watch the cause of his first one marry someone else, he thinks death definitely trumps a simple rejection on the heartache scale. 

Even if this feels like it will never heal right now. 

When there’s another harsh knock against the wood of the door, he springs up from his place against the cushions and makes his way over to the entrance, ready to tear into Jay for not leaving him alone tonight. 

“Jay, I said I’m- Callum.” 

He almost does a double take, because if there’s one person he didn’t expect to see tonight, it’s Callum on his door step the night before his own wedding. What he expected even less, is the big, black duffel bag dangling from Callum’s hand and the hopeful expression on the man’s face. 

He’s too stunned to say anything, to ask what he’s doing here, so Callum takes it as his chance to go first this time. 

“I called off the wedding. I thought I could do it. I thought I could go and be happy with someone else, someone that isn’t you, because we agreed, didn’t we? We agreed that sleeping with each other was a one off and that it didn’t mean anything and that our friendship was more important, right. But I loved you back then and I still love you now. So yeah, let’s, let’s just run away together.” 

Ben is speechless. His brain is still stuck on Callum calling off his wedding because he’s in love with him. Has been in love with him all this time. All this time Ben was dying inside while watching him with someone else, Callum was trying to move on from him. Just like Ben was trying to live with his feelings for him. 

Only it seems they both failed spectacularly at that. 

But there’s still something Ben has to know; has to have confirmation of before he lets Callum in – into his flat and into his soul, because he’s already in his heart anyway. 

“What about Simon?” 

“I told him. That, that I never really got over you and that I realized that today. I owed him that much, probably a lot more than that. But he said he could tell my heart wasn’t really in it.” 

At the confirmation that there’s nothing standing between them now, Ben takes a step backwards, letting Callum in - literally as well as figuratively. Callum drops his bag at the action, stepping forward to take Ben’s face into both of his hands. Ben twists his hands into Callum’s shirt in response, scared that he’ll disappear if he doesn’t cling onto him this time. 

“I love you, Ben. I wanna be with you, I wanna be everywhere that you are. That is, if you still want me.” 

“Course, I do. I always will.” 

It’s enough for Callum to close the gap between them, their lips finding each other in a hard kiss. It feels momentous, this point in their story. Like it’s almost too big for them, but Ben thinks it’s pretty fitting. Because his love for Callum is also bigger than this, bigger than him. He feels cut open again, only this time the feeling doesn’t make him dizzy with sadness but excited and nothing short of deliriously happy. 

They have a lot to navigate now but they’ll do it all together. Because this is where they belong, with each other, in each other’s arms, so close they might as well be one entity. 

And Ben will never let him go. 

Never.


End file.
